How to be a butcher beautician

1. When the customer arrives, do not smile or welcome them. Show them into a soul-less room with a bed and no windows. Close the door and leave them there.

2. Put on a pair of gloves and a mask that covers your mouth and nose. It is important that you must never directly touch the customer or breathe in their essence as this could lead to contamination.

3. Enter the room. If the customer is sitting on the bed, encourage them to get off, using the same technique you would employ to shoo away a naughty hen.

4. Put a layer of scratchy cheap water resistant paper towel on the bed. Other salons have been known to use luxurious towels but this may encourage the customer to feel pampered and make a repeat booking.

5. Get the customer to lie down on the bed. Try to do this without having to use any words or eye contact.

6. Do not speak to the customer at any point during the treatment. They do not need to be warned or informed of what you are going to do to them. You can simply yank and twist their head into the position you require it to be in. If they flinch in surprise, press down hard on their forehead with the palm of your hand. This will act as an excellent restraint and prevent any further movement.

7. If the customer attempts to start a cheerful conversation, ignore them. They are not your friend.

8. If the customer tries to confirm what colours or styles they wish you to apply to their eyebrows or eyelashes, don’t listen to them. You are the beautician. You know best.

9. Once you have applied the tint to the customer’s eyebrows and eyelashes, leave the room for an indeterminate amount of time and have a chat with your colleagues. The customer will have no choice but to lie in the soul-less room with their eyes closed sorely regretting ever making the appointment and fretting about what you’ve done to their face.

10. Creep quietly back in the room so that the customer doesn’t hear you. The first they should know of your presence is when you dramatically twist their head 90° to the left and then pour a large amount of water down their face to wash out any excess tint.

11. Now turn the head 180° to the right and repeat the water pouring process.

12. Use a bit of the scratchy cheap paper towel to dry the customer’s eyes in a painful but ultimately ineffective way.

13. Yank customer’s head backwards the way you were taught to position Resusci-Annie’s head when preparing her for mouth-to-mouth in First Aid.

14. Attack customer’s eyebrows with hot wax, waxing strips and tweezers to fashion the eyebrows into whatever shape you wish. The customer should not be consulted as to how they would like their eyebrows to look, nor should they be forewarned of when you are about to attack them with the wax, the strip or the tweezer. Restrain forehead firmly to prevent sudden movement.

15. Hold mirror in front of customer’s face and give a one word command to encourage customer to open their eyes. This is your pivotal moment. If the customer likes what you have done to their face they might give you a tip. Encourage this by telling them how great they look. If possible inject some enthusiasm into your voice.

16. Usher customer out of room towards till. If customer is not smiling or chatting effusively, then it is likely that the tip will not materialise so charge more than the advertised price just to be on the safe side. If customer enquires about the Thrifty Thursday discount, invent reason why customer does not qualify for discount.

17. Continue to repeat steps 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 and 16 throughout the day. Steps 8 – 15 may vary depending upon which treatment the customer is having.

18. Go home and feel immense satisfaction of how you enhanced the lives and faces of everyone you worked with today.

19. Get up and do it all over again tomorrow.