Two fingers from North Devon are furious after being forced to take part in a covid study that they had not consented to.

The fingers, who reside on the right hand of 40 year old Caroline Gough explained: “Caroline signed up to be in a covid survey last September. People turn up on the doorstep about once a month, ask her questions about how many people she’s hugged recently, and then she does a swab test. It’s not something we’ve been directly involved in because the left hand does all the swabbing. We do know that the tonsils and nostrils are not very happy about these visits. We have always made a conscious effort to stay well out of it.”

But yesterday morning, the two fingers found themselves thrust into the spotlight when they discovered that they were to be stabbed in order to produce a blood sample for antibody analysis. “It came out of nowhere,” said the middle finger. “The left hand stabbed me with a hidden needle and then spent several minutes squeezing the life out of me, collecting all my blood in a test tube. When I dried up and had nothing left to give, my next door neighbour was then given the same treatment. It took at least fifteen minutes to fill up the tube. We now each have a painful puncture wound. We are very upset.”

In a separate interview, the left hand fingers told us: “we are on the dominant hand. On a daily basis, we have to use a range of important tools such as toothbrushes, pens, teaspoons and television remotes, things that the right hand fingers can only dream of. We can’t afford for any of our members to be injured, so it was obvious that the right hand fingers should take one for the team. What else do the right hand fingers actually do?”

Whilst the right hand fingers are trying hard to forget  the traumatic ordeal, the left hand fingers had further information: “We actually signed the form giving consent to do monthly blood samples for at least the next 12 months, but in reality it could be closer to twenty-four,” they divulged smugly. “So this is only the beginning.”